The Old Me?

I feel quite silly even writing this post. I started it once the other day, and deleted it because I thought it was pointless. I am still thinking about it, so I must share my thoughts even if I am still unsure of how to approach this post.

I know that anyone that has internet likely has their own FB account, where you post pictures of your life keeping people in the loop. It's great for that. I will admit... I am still addicted to it. Checking it on a daily basis, often more than once. (Being home with my baby has turned me into quite a computer addict. I check in first thing in the morning one-handed while I feed him, and I am on here again while he's napping.)

So, back to the FB thing. I look along the right side of the screen, scrolling through people's posted photos. As I am snooping away, I see not one-- but two of my friends have their 3-D baby ultrasound photos posted. I completely understand the reasoning behind posting them there, as I posted one of Hudson to show it off. It is amazing, and you want to share it!

I click away, looking at photo after photo.

As I am clicking away, for some stupid reason I am getting upset. Not sure of these feelings were jealously or sadness. I felt like the old me was sitting here in front of the computer.

The old me-- the infertile.

I logged out and went upstairs to sit on the other end of the couch from Andy. He took one look at me, and asked me what was up. I replied that I was unsure why I was feeling the way that I was from looking at these US pics. I explained that it felt like I had a dark cloud over my head, and I missed all of those things.

Really?!?

As I sit here now, shaking my head... I know full well that it is not something that I would want right now. I am MORE than overjoyed with my little dude. Our days are full with just him, and I would be content with only having him in my life. All the of the work and the 7 years that I waited to have him will NEVER be taken for granted.

He is only 7 months old, and I know that I don't have the 'itch' for another one yet. He is so much fun now, with his own personality and showing a bit of independence. I also am slowly starting to regain my former shape, not just the weight part of it all. Energy is up, and we are doing more things other than trips to the grocery store or the Mommy group. My thighs still rub together, and I would love to be a heck of a lot smaller than I presently am before I would even think about another attempt at IVF.

So what gives? Why do I feel like this?

It is not like we will never have another try at having more children. We do have 9 frozen embryos waiting for us when the time is right. We have a few chances there, even if success rates are not as high. But like I said, if my son is meant to be my one and only-- then so be it. I am okay with that. Really, I am.

The infertile in me, will it ever go away?